Three-Character Classic: A Bawdy Translation

The Three-Character Classic [三字經 Sanzi Jing] is a 700 year old classic which Chinese kids have been required to memorize even before they could read and write. It is a very compact "poem" that summarizes all of the basic tenets of Confucianism, serving a very similar function that a catechism has in a Catholic school. Confucianists, despite their tremendous influence on Chinese thought for over 2,000 years, have a reputation as being serious folks without the zest for life that Taoists have. But maybe that impression is incorrect. Maybe the text has been misinterpreted for 2,000 years. Here is a new, improved translation which traditionalists would not approve but it is arguably valid.

Below is the original (partial text) with our own "old-fashioned" translation and the new interpretation by an unknown author. For a complete translation of the original, see Three-Character Classic: A Confucian Roadmap for Kids.

Original	Traditional Translation	New, Improved Translation**
人之初性本善性相近習相遠	People at birth, are naturally good. Their natures are similar; their habits become different.	At the beginning of life. sex is good. Basically, all the sex are the same. but it depends on the way you do it.
苟不教性乃遷教之道貴以專	If, negligently, not taught, their nature deteriorate. The right way to teach, is with absolute concentration.	If you do not practice all the time. sex will leave you. The way of learning it is very important to make love with only one person.
昔孟母擇鄰處子不學斷機杼	Formerly, the mother of Mencius chose a neighborhood. When her child would not learn, she broke the shuttle from the loom.	Once a great mother, Mrs Meng chose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence. If you don't study hard, your dick will become useless.
竇燕山有義方教五子名俱揚	Dou Yanshan, had the right method. He taught five sons, each of whom raised the family reputation.	Dou, the Famous owned a very effective and exciting medicine All his five son took it and their sexual abilities were well-known.
養不教父之過教不嚴師之惰	To feed without teaching, is the father's fault. To teach without severity, is the teacher's laziness.	If your children don't know how to do it, it is all your fault. If they had lots of problems with it, their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details of sex.
子不學非所宜幼不學老何為	If the child does not study, it is improper. If he does not study while young, how will he act when old?	You may refuse to study this but that is a real mistake If you don't learn it in childhood, you will lose your ability when old
玉不琢不成器人不學不知義	Jade that has not been polished cannot be used. Person that has not studied cannot know righteousness.	If you don't exercise your dick, it won't become hard and strong. If you don't learn sex, you cannot enjoy its sweetness

*The humorous translation is by an unknown author and assumed to be in the public domain. All other text copyright as indicated below.